The following are two journal entries from my personal journal that I keep.    I think they best describe what I went through and still am going through at the loss of my grandmother.  She will be missed!

December 22, 2003
10:59 PM

Tomorrow is not a promise but a chance. That is such a true statement made by a young girl named Rachel Joy Scott. Anyways, life can really suck sometimes. You never know when it'll take a sharp turn and completely wipe you out. This past Sunday started out well. I was happy at the fact that my brother and my nieces and nephews are visiting for Christmas. We went to church and it was a wonderful time. I got to introduce my brother and kids to Bryan and Sarah and Jill. Sarah, said that Debra and Elizabeth were cool and so cute. That was awesome.

Anyways, after church I took Debra and Elizabeth to a Jump5 concert. It was their last Christmas show, show in Corpus Christi, Texas. It was a wonderful blessing. It was a cool 2 hour drive up there with the exception of the occasional bickering of the two girls. Typical for sisters i guess. Anyways, we got there about a hour before show time. It was funny because I was the only person wearing a jump5 shirt. There were several people that came up to me and asked me where I got the shirt. It was cool. Doors opened and we went inside. We found some good seats and claimed them. I then went to the merchandise booth to see about the meet and greet. They said it'd be after the show. So I went back and sat down at my seat with my nieces. As we waited I took them up to the merchandise thing and Debra got a poster, and Elizabeth got their Christmas CD, which they both got signed after the show.

Anyways, we waited for a bit and then the show started. The opening act was okay. Not really into her style of music but she seems cool. After the opening act Jump5 came out on stage. I was blown away by them. By their energy, their dancing, and especially their vocals. My favorite jump5 member is Brittney, she is so beautiful and just awesome. She's got a awesome heart and I was just totally blessed just by her smile.

They did a lot of their songs, spinning around, all i can do is think about you, just to name a few. I especially loved when they did "do ya." Their vocals as they came into the chorus sent chills up and down my spine. Such awesome and perfect harmony. They are really awesome. The thing that really moved me was their rendition of God bless the USA. Their vocals are awesome on that song, in perfect harmony and pitch. I was brought to tears by it, especially by that intro. Libby, talked to us all about Jesus and how they are grounded upon Him and what they do is all because of Him. I was especially blown away by her heart, her spirit, her desire for the Lord. She is so genuine and real. I mean they all are, but I was very touched and moved by her heart and the way she wants to share the love of God with other people. They took a short intermission and then did their Christmas set. Their Christmas set rocked. They did all their songs from their Christmas album. The last 2 songs me and the girls went up. I got to take some really awesome close up pictures of them, which you can find by clicking the link at top.

After the show, we fought the crowd and got our autographs. It was awesome being able to meet them. . They all signed my fan club card. The wait wasn't to long and we were on the road back home.

It was a total blessing this show. And it was the blessing and strength that I needed for the news I would find out later that evening. But the over all show was wonderful. I am even more on fire for them and support them. Their hearts are all well grounded in the word of God and upon Jesus Christ, their Lord and Savior. Their passion and desire for the Lord is really an insperation. They are truly useing their God given gifts to glorfy Him and touch lost people with their music and the gosple message. It's a great insperation seeing this. They are in my hearts and prayers always.

Anyways, this will be a night to remember and that has changed my life forever. While the jump5 concert was a great joy and blessing, the news that I found out shortly after getting home would send my world crashing down. A little after 1 am, we got a call, that my grandma had died. I knew something was up, something was bad because she was in the hospital but I didn't realize that it was this bad. They even told me she was getting better, but last night her heart stopped beating. It is amazing how life can take such an amazing change. One minute, you have all the joy in the world the next your on your knees. Me and my grandma were very close, so this news is definitely something I'm struggling with and trying to the best of my ability to get through. I ask each of you to please pray for me and my family. For strength, comfort, for peace. This is going to be the most horrible Christmas of my life. But despite the pain, despite the tears, despite the most unaminagable sorrow I've ever felt in my life, I know I have hope, I know I have comfort, I know I have peace, and One who I can take shelter in and that is Jesus Christ, my Lord, my God and the ROCK OF MY SALVATION!!!

So anyways, that was my Jump5 experiences. An incredible blessing, and that joy that they shined out to me, has helped me cope with this. As I went to bed last night, I put their song "Angel in my heart." I set it on repeat, and cried my self to sleep.

Thank you Brittney, Libby, Brandon, Lesley and Chris for what you do and for following God's calling on your lives. Your music has given me (and continues to) comfort in my darkest and most sorrowful hours.

I dedicate this song in loving memory to my Grandma, Harriet Perrone. Entered into eternal joy and peace, with Jesus Christ on December 21, 2003.

Angel in my Heart

I heard a whisper that touched deep inside my soul
like some familiar melody
a hidden chapter from a story left untold
I gotta feeling, I could believe in

(chorus)

there is an angel in my heart
feels like I'm guided by a candle in the dark
its taken all this time
to finally find out what I could never see
an angel in my heart
You were there 4 me
now there is no doubt that there will always be
an angel in my heart

You were the friend, You were the one I could confide in
You gave me strength that I could never find
deep emotions that's I've always been denying
I believe in, its so close now, its You that
I'm feeling

(chorus)

finally found what I been searching for
(all my life)
it was right before my eyes
oh u are my angel
i know You'll always be there
You are my one and only angel
to finally found find what I could never see
(You were there for me)
now there is no doubt that there will always be
an angel in my heart

January 5, 2004
12:44 AM

As I sit here alone, the first tears have fallen since last week. The real tears, where the sobs are so strong that it shakes your very soul. Everyone is gone, Robert and family went home, and things are back to normal here. I sit here in this dark room, lit only by the remaining Christmas lights that are in my room. I have not had the time to really sit down and reflect and write, on all that has happened due to family being down here. But tonight is the first night since my grandma's passing, that I am truly alone in my room and have time to sit back and reflect on these past few weeks.

It has been exactly 2 weeks since I found out news that my grandma died. It's all still very clear in my mind. After the most awesome night I've ever experienced, spending time with my nieces and taking them to a Jump5 Concert, we got home. Very shortly after we got home, I ate, then sat down with my nephew Keegan on the couch in the living room and watched a movie. It was about 1 AM or a little after. The phone rang, and my dad answered it. I thought who in the world is calling at this time. Then my blood ran cold, my heart went into my throat, and shivers went up and down my spine. As I listened to bits and pieces of the conversation over the movie, I knew what had happened. I kept telling my self, well maybe that didn't happen, maybe things will be okay and I am just worrying my self. The phone conversation ended, and I saw my dad walk from his den into the kitchen and speak to my mom. At some point during their conversation, I heard that my grandma had died. As the tears begin to build up, I muttered "Oh s**t" and Keegan looked at me and asked me what was wrong? I said nothing, and continued to watch the movie. My dad walked back to his den and made some phone calls. I heard my mom in the kitchen, saying to her self "oh no, oh no" My dad then came out and called for me. I walked up to him and before he even said anything, I was crying... He looked at me, crying him self and said "your grandmother has expired." I complety broke down. He kept re assuring me that she was in heaven with the Lord and I knew that was true, but it hurt so much. I cried and cried and cried. That exact moment, I have never felt anything so painful, so sorrowful, I have never cried like I cried that night. As I continue to cry, my dad went to the kitchen to check on my mom. After I regained composure, I walked back to the couch and sat down with Keegan. My mom and dad went to the hostpal. I eventually went to bed, I remember writing a few e-mails asking for prayer. It was a sleepless night, haunted with bad dreams and with tears.

I woke up the next morning, and was praying that I had awoken from a bad dream, that this was all just a dream. However as I got out of bed and began to wake up, I realized it wasn't a bad dream, that it was real. I walked to the bathroom, closed the door and started crying again. After some time in the bathroom, I left and went into the kitchen. The first person I saw was my brother Tony. I saw him with tears and he was crying and we hugged. I began crying again. I can not really remember what I did that day, it's mostly a blurr. I remember hanging out at the house most of the day and answering the phone. Through out the entire day, I cried on and off. My mom and dad made arrangements for the funeral home, and burial.

The next day was the viewing or wake as it was called. This is a blurr too. I can remember driving alone, listening to a CD of songs I made that remind me of my grandma. Later I would make this into a tribute to her, with pretty CD case and inserts. Anyways, as I drove, I cried the entire way to Harlingen. All kinds of thoughts went through my mind. Why wasn't I there for her? Why didn't I visit her more during the last few days of her life? Why didn't I go and visit her at the hospital? I arrived at the funeral home with my family. My brother Robert and Francis had come that day as well. As I walked into the funeral home with my family, my eyes looked at the board announcing "Harrite Perrone" and the viewing hours. As I saw her name, I began to cry. We were led to the chapel where her casket and body was. My brother Tony entered first and the rest of us followed. When my eyes saw her lifeless body, I lost it completely and begin to cry uncontroally. I simply can not put into words, what I felt at that exact moment. Pain like I have never felt before. There was a thing that you could kneel. Tony who was crying also, went and nelt down first, then my brother Robert, and then my self. As I knelt and looked upon her, I cried so hard. It wasn't even crying it was more like wailing. I couldn't believe that the women that helped shape me, who was there for me when I was down, who listened to my problems, who was the shoulder when I needed to cry, was now gone, was now laying in a casket, dead and motionless. I continued to cry uncontroalby and at one point tried to pray to ask God for strength. I finally got up and went and sat down. The rest of the 6 hours consisted of lot of thinking, lot of crying, a lot of reflecting. People from her apartment complex came to visit and say goodbye. Friends of our family stopped by. At one point we took a break and went to eat at wataburger. The hardest part I think of that entire time was leaving. I remember kneeling one last time before leaving that night. Again, the tears begin to come and flow heavily. I remember crying so hard and then both my brothers came up to me and stood by me as I was crying. I put my hand on her hand and kept saying I love you!!! I love you!!!! I love you!!! The pain was so unbearable that moment that I wanted to die. I really wanted to just die and to be with her in heaven. Well anyways, after that we left and I went driving to the mall to get something to wear for the funeral the following day.

It was a sleepless night again, filled with bad dreams, and constantly waking up crying. I woke up early, before anyone else. I sat at my computer and turned it on. I sat there and cried and cried for several minutes. I thought to my self, I am going to be a paw bearer, I am not going to have the strength to do this in the emotional state that I am in. I can't do this, I can't even get the strength to go on let alone carry my grandmother's casket. Through tears I prayed and prayed for strength from God, I asked for peace, for Him to speak to me, to really touch my heart. After the prayer, I went and checked e-mail. I saw a e-mail that Melissa sent me in responded to me asking her to pray for me. Her e-mail gave me such incredible comfort and gave me the strength to get up and to face this dark day. It was as if God placed every single word in her mind to write to me. Just the fact that knowing that she was praying for me, gave comfort and strength. After reading the e-mail a few times, I closed the computer and went to get ready. Again as we drove to the funeral home, the tears came. We went to the chapel where her body was and waited for about 20 minutes. Then the guy who was in charge called the paw bearers and instructed us on what to do. I was in the middle, on the right side. We loaded the casket and proceeded to the church where the mass was said. As I sat in this old catholic church, it reminded me of why I never liked going to catholic church. The priest was as much fun as watching grass grow. I sat there in a daze, not really paying attention to what he was saying. All he was doing was reading some pre written stuff. Once the mass ended we carried the casket out and loaded it into the hearse again. We then went to the grave yard where we had another little service. This was also difficult for me. The most heart wrenching moment was as they lowered my grandma into the ground. The tears came again and hit hard. As they lowered her deeper into the earth, I cried and cried. Once she was in the ground, we left. As I got into my truck and slowly drove off, I continued to cry. It became so bad that I had to pull over as I couldn't drive properly.

Anyways, later that day, me Tony and the kids went to church as it was Christmas eve and my church was having a service. The Lord's supper actually. I had already made up my mind that I was going to go to this and Tony and them also wanted to. I figured that being at church, and seeing fellow brothers and sisters in Christ would help. And it did a little. The service was good, I was pretty much in a zombie state the entire time. The songs that were song I couldn't sing. I was hoping to see Sarah, but I didn't see her. I kept looking for her during the service. Once the service ended, I saw her in the back. She had gotten to the church late. I had wanted to ask her for prayer for my self and my family. I walked up to her and said hi. The first thing I noticed was a big plate full of cookies and a beautifully wrapped mug with coco inside. I asked her if she could keep me and my family in her prayers. As I said that sentence, I began to break down and she looked at me and asked "is everything okay?" I told her, my grandma died. With those 3 words, everything came rushing back at me. The viewing, the funeral, the news of my grandma's death, and I lost it. Sarah gave me a hug and I just cried more. I tried to regain my composure. She reassured me that my grandma is in heaven and with the Lord now. We talked for a little bit and then I went and found Bryan. As we approached Bryan, he was like hey look at you you made out good this year, because I was holding Sarah's presents. He asked how I was doing, and I said hanging in there and then I broke down again. He gave me a hug, and just said that things are going to be ok, that she's in a better place and just giving me words of encouragement. I glanced over at my brother at one point and saw him fighting back tears. Me and Bryan talked for a bit and then we said goodbye. Sarah had migrated from one side of the church where I was talking to her first over to where Bryan was and she was talking to Jill. I said hi to Jill and she gave me my Christmas present which was a really yummy cake. I remember talking to both of them for a bit and then we left. Those few moments talking with Sarah, Bryan, Jill, gave me so much encouragement and joy. I walked out of the church feeling a little bit better. I drove home and we tried to have Christmas eve and enjoy our selves.

Christmas day was blah. It was empty and meaningless to me. The most difficult part of that day was opening the present my grandma gave me. I opened it and began to cry. The rest of the day consisted of eating dinner and then just hanging out. The next several days were a blurr. I tried to get through each day as best I could.

Sunday came and me and my brother Tony went to church, as the kids went with their mom. The service was cool and the message was very encouraging. I talked with Sarah and Jill. They told me how much they enjoyed the gift I got them and that they took over 2 hours trying to pick out the perfect gift. After the service, Sarah said that she is praying for me and gave me this little note. I read it later and the words she and jill wrote me blew me away. Again like Melissa's e-mail, it gave me so much encouragement and just strength. God used her and Jill as a instrument to encourage me. After I got the letter, I and my brother talked with Sarah's mom and dad for a while. It was cool, they are really awesome people and it was the first time I really got to talk with them. Sarah's mom is so cool!!!

That next week, my other brother came down and visited along with his girlfriend and her daughter CJ. My brother tony got funeral leave so he stayed through new years. We were all together for new years and it was fun.

The one person that made me smile this past week and really lifted my spirits was CJ. We had such a blast that week. From going to the movies, to popping fireworks to cruising on Saturday night and jamming out. I totally enjoyed my self. They left today around noon time. I can still see CJ's smiling face looking at me as they drove off. I wanted to cry so bad.

So that's basically everything that has been going on. I just felt that I had to write this and get these feelings out. This highlights most of what has happened these past few weeks. It has been hell, but I know that if I trust in God, if I put my HOPE in Him, He will pull me through this and in the end I will be stronger because of this. So here I am, sitting here, in a dark room, alone and just trying to trust in God, to take one day at a time and to seek the good out of all of this.

Anyways, I'm exhausted. I think I am going to call it a night. I also feel better after writing all of this out. My eyes are sore from crying through because I did a lot of that while re visiting these memories. Till next entry!!!

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